THE THOUGHTS AND WORKS OF DARRYL LAWSON

happyhippiechic:

this just made my day

bang bang!

Apparently iv adopted a Tiger!

i would like to thank the person in my flat block for adopting a tiger, however as it was posted through my door.. i now adopt Jasper the large wild tiger from Cambodia!

i am so giving

Eurovision 2012, its our time!

Following the ground breaking news that Ireland have bagged Jedward for this years Eurovision song contest, and the uk have only managed to club together a band who split up because they thought they were talented enough individually to sustain a career.

but after a few years of doing every type of reality based tv they have realized that maybe it was because they were 4 blokes, that were quite good at miming other artists songs to 13 year old school girls. clearly now run out of money and their agents have forced them into a last chance saloon situation, whereas they have to prey the public fall back in love with them, otherwise the penthouse flats and gym memberships are gone.

But alas i am a positive person, i think they will be able to keep the gym memberships and move on with their lives after their failure in this years eurovision. Jedward however will triumph! the gold goes to Ireland.

I suggest we should learn from Ireland. Not become green with jedward envy, and propose next year we join forces!

Yes Eurovision 2012 i propose Wagner and Mary Byrne from X Factor join and perform a duet. what a genius plan i hear you cry, yes i know thank you..but what of the song?

Well the song would have to be a ballad clearly, something that will touch the heart and soul of people all around Europe. also extremely camp. Easy Elton John’s ‘Dont go breaking my heart’, perfectly camp! we could even roll out ‘Diva Fever’ as dancers and back up singers.. get them out there in lycra pants and body paint, maybe sailors hats just to let the rest of Europe that we dont take ourselves to seriously.. ‘yeah iv got a sailors hat on, what of it? maybe it was a gift? who knows im just a completely camp neutral European, vote carefully’.

I can see it now.. it would bring Europe to their knees! look at us we are the UK and Ireland, we can be just as shit as you!

Love the evil look on his face! Fantastic

(via alackofoxygen)

Valentines day, its an illusion

Every year couples all over the world stress and strain about valentines day. since the romans first introduced it as a day of romantic gestures between intimate companions. (basically it was a day when the most holy of men could literally throw their balls into the ring of local hookers and it was referred to as ‘romantic’, the way the romans express lust)

you see saint valentine did not exist, his existence is completely fictional. there are many different versions of saint valentine, but basically its bollocks. the only recorded event that ever took place on the 14th feb that bared any relationship to what we call valentines day, is a feast among preists.. sounds a bit gay right?

with all this historical uncertainty i find it hard to justify spending a whole day being romantic because of lies! i find it hard being romantic for more than 2 minutes, buts thats an over exited problem that i have learned to swallow and ignore.

but seriously if the whole reason of valentines day is to remember your lover (lovers) then i wish to shy away from it all, i dont need a date in a calendar to be romantic! im sure my girlfriend would whole heartedly agree that i tick the box of ‘being romantic’ all year round.. ahem

cards with hearts on them! do me a favor! hearts are not that puffy rounded shape you numpty. there is nothing romantic about a heart, you dont love with your heart..your heart is organ that pumps blood, its impossible to think with your heart! please stop the ‘do i think with my heart or my head’ analogy.. no you have a decision to make, do you choose the compassionate thought or the sensible thought.

will i be celebrating valentines day? yes.. because otherwise id be in trouble. 

First 24 hours of Tumblr

First off i would like to welcome those who are now following me, thanks.. i dont want to sound too desperate at this early stage but it would be fantastic if you could recommend me or whatever the hell it is that makes the blog seem more popular and life changing?

so my first 24 hours of tumblr, il be honest. its no bookface is it? 

i will start with the positives. i have read quite a few ‘creative writers’ blogs and they are mostly pretty good..if not a bit pretentious. some have that old myspace syndrome where because you have 12 million people mostly under the age of 16 following you that makes you talented, and also let me say right now that google’n ‘funny animal pictures’ then photoshop’n them with some smart comment in a quotation bubble does not make it original.. or funny.. just annoying.. the internet has exhausted photoshop jokes surely? or do we still find squirrel’s nuts and smoking poker playing dogs funny?

anyways apart from spamming teenage photoshop humor, tumblr seem alright..iv not been blown away so far. although i havent been offered at this early stage.

the thing that is really grinding my gears at this point is the lack of commenting! what the potatoes is all that about! i cant leave a comment about someones blog, i have to either ‘like’ it which could mean a million things.. i like ice cream but not all flavors, come on tumblr let us be specific what we like and dislike..you know like as if we had freedom of speech?

so if we want to comment on something then we have to ‘reblog’ it, i dont want to reblog everything i have an opinion about! its so backwards. its like going to see a movie coming out and then not being able to tell anyone what you think of it until you buy the dvd. oh but you can literally tell people you ‘like’ it, but that could’ve been purely for the ice cream..who knows? its a tumblr mystery mwaaaahaha!

sort it out! 

The Truth about Chuggers!

I came out of the tube station this morning, to be greeted by the usual homeless change singing filthy street hobo’s that line up outside.

after a rather bad sexual episode the night before, the last thing i needed was anyone else dressed all dirty, begging for more.

i decided to confront one of the individuals, “look mate, this is a lifestyle choice of yours, the same way that i chose to spend 5 days of my week working, so that i can spend the other 2 days laying on the sofa that i bought, in the pants that i bought, watching my massive fuck off 50 inch tv that i also bought. your just going to take my change, do drugs and compete with the pigeons for nourishment. thats your choice, now leave me alone”.

Just about to walk away feeling rather pleased i had put the bad sexual episode behind me, he quietly replied, “this is my job”. at this point i thought the filthy hobo was trying to counteract my rage with a smart comment that would make me feel like a terrible person as maybe he had some deformity or disease that somehow disqualified him from being about to find a job? 

“what to you mean, its your job?” i asked the filthy street goblin.

“well, dont tell anyone but, you see all of us lined up here.. you think we are all stupid enough to sit out here all day freezing our short and curly’s off for nothing? hell no! the truth is we are being paid. you see im a charity worker, yep i used to stand out here with a bucket and a name tag. but recent studies have shown that charity workers are less popular than the homeless. so we decided to dress like filthy drunk street statues, sit on piss stained cardboard, and beg. 

“so what charity do you work for?”

“London Shelter Organisation”

Many have wondered why the majority of society are able to walk at a normal pace, while others still struggle with the concept of speed of movement and spacial awareness.

We have all been in the situation where we as normal commuting individuals, are trying to travel on foot from point A to point B, and are obstructed by slow moving objects such as people. for many years we have thought that these people were rude and jobless, but now we have the real answer.

After years of studies, this social handicap has been pinpointed not as a genetic disorder but as a phenomenon of a sub conscious state caused directly by the artist Phil Collins.

The studies, carried out by ‘The Re-Elected Trust for Absurd Research Society’ or ‘RETARDS’, found that those who had either bought a Phil Collins album, or had seen him perform live are, “at great risk of catching this slow walking disease”. This illness is now being referred to as ‘Collins Obstacle Converting Keynotes’ or ‘COCK’.

Maybe its the way he walks? It could be the way he talks? Or simply its because hes a ‘COCK’ himself? Studies are not conclusive at this moment in time.

We do not have a direct comment from Mr Collins, it is thought that he has no plans to retire or stop selling his musical material. But be warned, the studies show you will contract ‘COCK’ if you hear anything containing Phil Collins. So avoid Disney’s Tarzan and also caution should be used while using fax machines as it is thought he might try to divorce you.

The slogan for this disease put into press by the government and their ‘RETARDS’ who carried out the studies is, “Your a ‘COCK’ if you listen to Phil Collins”

It is the hope for all of normal paced commuters that this man-made disease soon fades so they can travel again without the annoyance of human obstructions.  

This morning the mayor of London Boris Johnson leaked out his new revolutionary vision that would leave thousands of London underground staff out of a job.

After many years of strike action and demonstrations for better working conditions, it seems the ‘TFL’ have been looking for other avenues to relieve the unhappy staff of their duties.

Being called ‘PROJECT X2’ or ‘PROJECT TIMES 2’, these new experiments are going to be trialled here in the capital. Boris Johnson plans to train Chimpanzees, much like the ‘NASA’ failed attempt to train chimpanzees into US Air Force pilots in the fictional 1987 blockbuster movie ‘PROJECT X’.

The ‘TFL’ have already set up training camps where they claim they have,

“brain washed the chimpanzees into knowing every route on the London underground network, by feeding them bananas colored the same as our favorites such as the metropolitan line and the bakerloo line”

Boris Johnson hopes to have the chimpanzees running the London underground network by the end of the year, a quote from Boris Johnson reads

“These chimpanzees working on the network is a huge step forward for us, we have to start looking to the future and improve services as much as we can. they will improve public relations due to the somewhat hilarious uniforms we have made for them, also the work rate will improve as they are all non smokers. Further more the chimps have all been educated to GCSE level, which is a massive upgrade”

The ‘TFL’ have often been an easy target for critics, what with raising ticket prices and lowering standards of staff and services. but this will revolutionize public transport in London as the ‘TFL’ plan to pay the chimpanzees with bananas and freedom of Regents park. Thus reducing the wage bill and this in turn will slash ticket prices…top banana!